I have found myself happy / by Calum Creasey

I am sat here, mulling over what has become apparent to me today. For I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I don't quite know why, I have an inkling, or rather many inklings. But in between those, there is something that arrives without prior warning. Quite like a feeling of contentedness that fills what were gaps in my life; I have found myself happy. 

I look at myself when I awake, not physically, but in a mental sense. Today I found myself happy. Like this state of being arrived overnight and consumed my body. From my brow to my feet. From how I talk to myself to how I smile at others. How the problems of yesterday weigh less upon my shoulders. 

I sit here with charcoal burning in an old BBQ that a bought in France many years ago. On our first trip in a campervan outside of the U.K in fact. It is rusted and burnt from many summer evenings, but works just as well now as it ever did. 

Lauren will arrive soon, she will be happy no doubt. For we have made changes to our lives and have felt life flow like water once more. She was always happy when we were young, always with a perfect grin on her face. I can't wait to see that grin again when she arrives. 

Our van is sat with doors and windows thrown open to the world. To let the outside creep in. The smoke held on a warm breeze. The dappled light. Sounds of a peacock. Watching three lambs tearing at green green grass. 

I found myself happy today.

Sidenote - I wrote this down in a notepad this Summer just passed and stumbled upon it recently. We were staying on a campsite near to where we grew up. Shortly after returning to the UK after 3 months in Europe. On that trip, we failed to find the freedom we could usually count upon. On our return to the UK, we were faced with solving the very same problems that we had run away from. Now I read this and am filled with the same feeling of happiness. Not just at the memory, but having learnt a great deal from that time. Namely, that the act of escaping is not what had brought us happiness so many times before, rather it was the circumstances in which we left. Not the Leaving in haste with un resolved issues; but driving away slowly, with well formed plans and contented minds.